You call Mom. She picks up. “Hi, sweetie!” You ask how she’s doing. She says “Fine, fine, everything’s good. How are you?” You give an update. There’s a pause. She asks about the kids. You answer. Another pause.
And there it is. That little stretch of silence where you both know you’ve already covered the usuals — weather, work, the kids, whether she’s been eating — and there’s another ten minutes of phone call to fill.
If you’ve felt this and quietly wondered if there’s something wrong with you, or wrong with the relationship, or wrong with her — there isn’t. The phone call is just running out of fuel.
Here’s how to put new fuel in.
Why the calls start feeling thin
It’s not about love. It’s about novelty. Conversations need something new to chew on, and once you’re in a long-distance or every-Sunday rhythm with someone whose daily life is fairly quiet, you start running out of fresh material.
Mom is probably feeling the same thing. She doesn’t want to make you worry, so she stays “fine.” You don’t want to bore her with work stuff, so you keep it light. And both of you end up dancing around the surface.
The fix isn’t to call less. It’s to bring something into the room with you.
Better questions to ask
Stop asking “How are you?” — she’s going to say “Fine.” Try these instead:
About her week, but specific: - “What’s something nice that happened this week — even tiny?” - “Has anyone made you laugh lately?” - “Did you watch anything good?” - “What did you have for dinner last night?” (this one’s a sneaky goldmine — leads into a hundred memories)
About her past, but warm: - “What was your favorite thing about being [your age]?” - “Tell me again about the time [a story you’ve half-heard]” - “What was Grandma’s house like when you were little?” - “What’s something you wish you’d done more of in your 40s?”
About now: - “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?” - “Is there anything you’re worried about?” - “What would make this week a good one for you?”
The one that always works: - “What’s the best thing you’ve eaten this week?” (older women love this question. No idea why. Just trust it.)
The trick is asking questions she can’t answer with “Fine.” Force a small story or a small opinion. That’s where the conversation actually lives.
What about your side of the call?
This is the other half — Mom needs new material from you too. The “everything’s fine, kids are fine, work is fine” report is the conversational equivalent of bottled water. Bring her something to react to:
- A small problem you’re working through (she loves being asked for advice)
- A weird thing that happened
- An opinion you’ve changed your mind about
- A photo you took, sent before the call
- A book or show that made you think of her
Calls feel light because we’re protecting each other from anything real. The minute one of you brings something with edges, the call wakes up.
The “thing in common” trick
The single best fix for a phone call that’s running thin is to have a shared thing in your weeks. Some couples watch the same show in parallel. Daughters and moms can do the same thing — and you don’t have to live nearby.
A few that work:
- Read the same book at the same time. Even slowly. “I just got to the part where—” is great phone fuel for 6 weeks.
- Subscribe her to a monthly box. When something arrives at her door each month — a candle, a journal, something soft — it becomes a thing she gets to tell you about. “Oh, I got the box this week, you should see the little honey jar—” That’s three minutes of conversation that didn’t exist before, every single month.
- Send her a card or letter mid-month, even a tiny one. Now you have a thing to ask about next week.
The third one is free. The second one is what we do — and not for nothing, it’s specifically designed to give her these little moments she gets to share.
When she gets quiet — let her
A small note: sometimes the silence on the phone isn’t the conversation running out. Sometimes she’s just enjoying being on the phone with you. Older women have a lot more patience for quiet than we do. The pauses don’t have to be filled.
You can sit on a phone call together the same way you’d sit on a couch together. The line being open is the point.
The bigger thing this is about
Every Sunday phone call is a tiny stitch in the long thread between you. They don’t all have to be deep. They don’t all have to be funny. They just have to keep happening.
The point isn’t to have a perfect conversation. It’s to keep her in your life on Sunday, every Sunday, until one day she isn’t there to call.
Bring something into the room. Ask one question she can’t answer with “Fine.” Let her surprise you.
Send her something that gives her stuff to talk about →
P.S. — If you have a question that always cracks her open, save it for when the call goes thin. Mine is “what’s the worst thing your mother ever made you wear?” Try yours.
About the author
Lindsay is the founder of Senior Joy Box — a monthly subscription gift box thoughtfully curated for moms, grandmas, and the women who’ve given us everything. Every box is built around small comforts, real treats, and the quiet ritual of being remembered.
See this month’s Joy Box →